Menopaused

Hello and welcome to our Podcast Being F'ing Honest. I'm Jennifer Wong.

And I'm Charity Rodriguez.

And we invite you into our conversations of everyday issues experienced by everyday people with honesty, humor and authenticity. Our hope is to bring people together in community by creating safe environments of non judgement. And we know this can be tough. So we will go ahead and go first.

Okay, so there we go. All right, awesome. So I think those are great topics. Yes, I think those are really great topics. And well, from my standpoint, I'm ready to move forward now, like I'm done with a class like, thank goodness, I got a lot of good information out of it. I have to share with you what I did. I mean, I don't have to, but I want to share with you what I did just so you can hear.

Thank you. Did you research on the menopause topic?

Yes, I did. And man that opened up a whole can of worms. Like, You know, it was like, okay, yeah, I'm gonna just pass over that. And then it's like, oh, my gosh, I feel so ignorant. Like, I feel like such an idiot, that I didn't know all of this stuff about my body. But then when you remember back in the day, we had to, when there was like home economics, and there was a shop class there were all of these things to kind of get you ready for the world, right? How to fill out your checkbook, how to go to the bank, make deposits, you know, just kind of those kinds of things. There was the health class that talked about the differences of, you know, men and girls and boys and the transitions that our bodies would be going through, like all of that stuff. But we don't have that for menopause. Like we just, like somebody mysteriously is supposed to, you know, we're supposed to witness that maybe through our parents, right. But by the time they're going through that, like we're long gone, like, asking what's going on with you right now, if we feel something funny is going on? We're like running for the hills. Going, let me let me get my notebook. Tell me, what do you feel? You feeling some changes? Like, I don't know what I thought I knew what estrogen and progesterone was like, I don't know this stuff.

Well, you know, what's so funny is I think that when I was doing the research, too, I didn't actually look up like are there are menopause classes and workshops? I didn't go that far. But, so, I don't know. I'm sure they exist. But what I found is when I was doing my research, everything was go see your gynecologist like, we're supposed to get everything from them. Yeah. Which I think that's a it's a, it's a good start. But I don't think that they look at the holistic piece, either. Because when I was doing the research, it was like, they just looked at one little piece, you know, or they just wanted to figure out what drugs to put you on was was how I thought, well, if you're having this and this and this, then you need this. You need Premarin or you need this or this. And I was like, so but me being the holistic I was like, Well, how can we? And of course, I got onto the topic of vaginal atrophy because that, to me seemed the most important. I mean, oh my god, I can't not have sex. Like, I don't want to live out the rest of my life sexless like that became and so I thought it was really funny that that was what became most important thing to me. So I went down a whole rabbit hole on vaginal atrophy. And what I did find interesting was even the Mayo Clinic was suggesting not doing, you know, like estrogen therapy, if you can avoid it. They actually were saying that because now it's linked so much to breast cancers. So yeah, that was really cool. I was kind of happy to see that they are looking at alternatives.

They are but you have to be your own advocate. How can you be your own advocate if you don't know? You don't know what's going on. You don't know how to communicate with your doctor. So people, you know, they'll go to their doctor, like I said, you know, go to your gynecologist. That is if they even have a gynecologist because another thing I've learned is not everybody has a gynecologist. Not everybody goes in to do their, yearly annual women's exam. They're like either I'm not trying to get pregnant or you know, I don't have anything going on down there. Sure. I'm good. I don't need to go do that anymore. Or they're done having babies like whatever. Done, I don't you. Just your life is moves on. So they don't take the time to take care of themselves. And I think that was a big thing that I was reading about that women. We don't take care of ourselves. We just don't. But as a as a whole, right? Because we're either caretakers for ourselves caretakers for somebody else working, you know, crazy long hours, you just pop a pill to like, keep going. And that's it, you just keep going. So maybe someone is having sex, maybe they're not having sex, but, you know, they're just dealing with that in different ways. Right? They'll self medicate with other drugs, alcohol, pouring themselves into their work.

Absolutely. And you know, what else I found interesting was there was almost this level of shame. Yes, when we get to this age, there's so much shame around it that you don't even want to talk about it. Like that was a big thing. In my research, even the Mayo Clinic had said sometimes this these things don't get discussed with your doctors because there's embarrassment about your sexual activity, human sexuality. And I think what brings us finally to the doctor to do the research is when we're having pain or suffering, right? It's like, well, I'm I'm having night sweats that will take us to the doctor, I'm having crazy mood swings that will take us to the doctor, I'm having painful sex. You know, it's like those are the things that finally get us in is when we are stopped. And we in our modes of coping aren't working anymore. So yeah, this whole shame thing I found really interesting around it. And, you know, I know that I had mentioned that, that TV show better things by Pamela Adlon that, actually, Maryland brought it to me years ago. And so I've watched it, nor in the last season, but I think it was season four, she does like a whole thing. On menopause. She's doing like a documentary film. And so she's interviewing like, people that are over 100. And then she just does a whole bunch of interviews with women that are all their their faces are blacked out. And they're just talking about the first time they had their period. What it was like when they went through menopause. And when she got to the menopause piece, it was like, there's so much shame, you know, we're so invisible. We're not keeping up anymore, we're not relevant, you know, I think naturally and physically, we can't keep up to be that relevant age group that we're so conditioned to believe is all powerful in our society. And so it was just and then she does like a little cameo at the end. And it's really powerful. And her kids are like, woof, they were tripping out. Because, you know, when you're in your teens, you're not thinking about any of this. And I just thought that she goes, we're invisible. You know, we just become invisible the things that we once were irritated with, like men how, you know, Wolf whistling at us or coming up and being aggressive and asking us for a number. Those things don't even happen anymore. You know? Yeah, yeah. Oh, are we happy about that? Huh?

Well, but that's a hard conversation to have with people because you have so many different viewpoints coming at you like you shouldn't want that. No one should be doing that. But then well, but no one's doing that. Like, am I less of a woman now? Like what's you know, my no longer you know, as cute and peppy as I thought I was, like, I do really cute and peppy. Like, aren't you noticing that today? Like what's something? Yeah, that's a hard one. That is a hard one. But I totally agree with you about we do become invisible. Like I have noticed that that you do become invisible. And that kind of national out there. conversation now becomes a very quiet one sided conversation. And if you don't initiate it, it's not going to happen. It's not gonna happen with your partner. It's not gonna happen with your friends. It's not gonna happen with your doctor. Like, you're just gonna kind of go through this alone. And that even if, but there was somebody I was reading about that said, oh, there's all this information out there about menopause. You can just go and google it. That if you think to yourself, I'm going through something right now let me Google this to see what like you can be so deep into life that you don't know to stop and go and people aren't reflective they don't take a moment to stop they can afford to stop and go What's wrong like they'll just cry into a pillow go into a room like this self medicate, you know, but they don't. Two chests get by. And how do you know at that point when you You need to go to your therapist, or when you go and discuss this with your general practitioner, or maybe, you know, maybe this isn't the topic for my general practitioner, maybe it is a topic for my gynecologist, but you don't want to have to retell that whole story to every single, you know, right? Well, this is us going on, right? This is okay, then the wrong person. Next, well, this is what's going on, you know, it's already an icky conversation, like, they don't want to talk about it. Right. So, and then the thought that you have to go in with strangers sometimes, like, maybe you have a report with your general practitioner, but maybe they're not fully equipped to really help you out. They'll give you the scientific and very factual black and white, but can they support you? You know, holistically from an emotional standpoint? No, so what are they going to do? Here take, you know, I can, the best I can do if you're feeling a little down is, here's some low grade medicine, try this out. And, you know, let's see how you feel. But then it's unused to go. That's not enough. That's not what I want, or I need, I'm gonna have to keep looking. Or Okay, fine, whatever, you told me to take this, I'll just take it. And that's it.

But you know, I think that's what's so important about our communities, because I have gotten most of any information that I know on this from my friends, and just asking what they've done and what they've gone through. And, you know, they go to their doctor, well, my doctor said this, well, why you know, and then I can ask questions and get a little more input, what kind of side effects are getting worse? Is it working? Or is it not working, you know, so that hopefully, I don't have to do those 10 things. But I think that's where the community becomes really important. And I will say, I have a roommate that I've been living with for the last two years, and she's in her, actually, she's going to be, I think, 68 this year, and she looks amazing. And it's been so nice to be living with her. Because what she always reminds me is, you need to slow down, you need to rest, you're going through this change, even though you have kids and everything. And she reminds me all the time. Well, you really should take it easy on yourself today, you know, thank God. I mean, I think it's like such a gift to live with another woman. Because she reminds me of that my kids, their kids, you know, it's different. But to have a peer in the house has been so powerful, you know, to just, she's already gone through it. You know, so I A lot of that's why I asked her. So what did you do? What have you done? And now out? You know, she's 20 years past? Well, almost 30 years past, she went into menopause early in her early 40s. Oh, well, that, you know, she's been trying all kinds of things. And, and I listen, you know, and I still have to take it with a grain of salt, because everybody's different. Right? So, you know, certain things, she'll say, Well, you gotta get on it right now, or it's gonna be too late. And I'm like, I don't know, I don't know, if I want to go start doing estrogen therapy right now when I don't need it, you know, right. So it's just, we still have to know ourselves what's right for us, you know, and I think one of the things with Western medicine being so small in my mind, like, they're really good at this two inch box, you know, they they're special. Everybody wants to be a specialist, you know, and they know that really, yes. But I think it's really up to us to empower ourselves. Yes, listen to our body, slow down, even though we think we can't because the reality is we can, but it just doesn't feel that way. And really listen to what we need and go in the direction that we are drawn, you know, it may not always be the right one, but maybe going that way helps somebody else like Well, I tried this and this to happen, you know. So we're also interrelated in that, but yet we have to be totally connected to ourselves to know which direction to go. You know,

but that can be difficult. Is the stopping and listening to yourself. Because sometimes it's easier to just deal with the madness in front of you. Right than to deal with the quiet inside of you. Like if you you know, like it's just easier to react to people and react to situations but it's hard to stop and just contemplate and who are you and where are you in what do you want? Not what what somebody else needs like I need to get my kid to school I need to get, you know home to make dinner for the family. I Need to go to this meeting? And you just you need that, but you don't? What do you need? And people can't always answer that, or, or they know the answer. But they're afraid to accept that or want that or say that, you know, they're afraid to say, I don't really want to have it all. I don't really want to be doing all of these things. I don't want to take my kid to soccer practice, and I don't want to have to make dinner. And I don't want to go to that meeting. I don't want you know, I don't care if the house is dirty right now. I don't, right? Like they don't want to see all of that. Because it's kind of like, once you open that can of worms, it's kind of hard to push it back. In that you have to go and deal with that. And people don't want to deal with that. So they just keep on that your day, the trajectory that they're on.

Right? Where do you think you fit in on that?

I'm not one to walk the path that everybody else walks. And I know that's always getting me in trouble. And that's constantly a little bit of a frustration, because I don't know what to say I feel alone. But I I don't have other peers to talk to to say, let's get out this, you know, roller coaster, and let's just go see what's down that way. Because that's kind of me. Everybody's looking to the left hand, I gotta be the one looking to the right. And everyone's looking up and I'm looking down. Okay, okay. Okay. So I, I do try to Okay. Oh, everybody's looking up. Look up. Look up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm still like, look at, like, and then I'll like, grab a little of whatever's down there and just take it home with me. And I'll examine that and explore that. And just like, you know, I'll come back to it later by myself when I'm not, you know, and I'll just enjoy that.

What would you say that's part of that going in, and just seeing what you like, not what you need and what everybody else needs.

Sometimes, it's just like, well, I don't want to be on that path by myself. Like, I don't want to be looking down by me, like, what can somebody else be looking to? So we can have this shared experience? And go, like, Isn't this awesome? versus, you know, everyone's looking up? And like, oh, look, this is awesome. And it's like, yeah, but this is awesome, too. Like, can't we have both? Like, I can look up, I see that, that's awesome. But I could also look down and go, there's something to offer here too. And but I don't feel that people want to hear that. You know, it's just like, it's easier to go with the grain right than against the,

unless you find any grain because I hang out, I guess is the word I connect I, I share my time with a group of women that they think like me, and we make sure we do things for ourselves. Like I just booked a pottery class with my girlfriend for next Friday, we're just going to do it. And I see that same girlfriend and a couple other girlfriends every Friday, and we go down to the ocean, and we do our milk and honey rituals, you know, and we were all business owners, every single one of them that I go down there, we own our own business. So we are busy. We've all raised kids, some of them have grandbabies. And it's like, we do, I'm in that group that says, we are looking down. And now we're looking up and looking down. So I think that it might be I know, for me, it was just finding that community. Before I found my community, I felt a lot like I didn't have a choice. I didn't know what to do. I just had to do what was in front of me. And I feel that a lot. I mean, don't get me wrong, I mean that probably 70 to 80% of the time. But I do have a crew that will be like, Hey, we got to go do this. You know, we got to go do that. What about this ritual? And to be quite honest, of all my friends, there's probably seven of us that I see kind of regularly. I'm usually the one going can we do this? Can we do that? Can we book this because I need it, you know, and they're usually like Yeah, yeah, but I'm kind of the member on Love Boat. Julie, the UFC activities director. Yeah, that's me. Hey, let's go do this, you know, and mostly because I need it. Yeah, you know, it's like, I have to do this, or I'm gonna go frickin insane. I can't jump on the hamster wheel anymore. I'm done.

Okay, but you've also lived for the most part in the same area. Right Like you've moved around town but you been from Southern California and you stayed in Southern California. you've had time to build and cultivate and nourish and support those relationships, right?

Some of them, some of them. Yeah. And I see where you're going with that. I see where you're going with that. But I will say that I've been in Orange County for 30 years, but my crew is just the last six. This is just the last six years. I didn't have anybody before that really?

Why would you say the thing happened six years ago, like what?

Well, I had a health crisis for one. And that sent me on a holistic journey, but it actually sent me on a spiritual journey. And that, I think it was for me finding what I valued most. And then putting myself out into those groups and communities and events and workshops and classes with the same people. Because that's how I met almost all of them was through my spiritual work. Right? Absolutely. I had a friend and her our kids were in school together. But we both like realized we kind of were into the same spirituality. And then I met her friend, and then we started doing rituals. And then I met my shamanic teacher. And then through the shamanic work, I met a bunch of people, you know, so it's all these are all people that I've met through my deepest value, really what I value most in my life, I value my spirituality over my kids over my job over my health, everything like that is the number one. And so

Okay. What does that mean? Well, let's go back. What do you mean that you value your spirituality? What does that mean?

It's, that's where I put my focus my time and my energy the most?

And how do you define your spirituality?

It's taken a long time. And it's always defining me really, but anything where I am honoring something greater than me, and but I'm also connected to and makes us all one. So anything that deals in those realms, I feel are very important, because it helps me to prioritize what is meaningful to me. Like when I die, what do I feel is going to be important, and my spirituality is kind of what keeps me on that path of being aware of what's most important to me, and not getting too far away from what's not, you know, I just, I don't want to live like that. And I think having a health crisis helped me because once I couldn't drive or walk, or, you know, I was in the hospital for four days, it shifted things, you know, like, God, how do I want to live the rest of my life. I don't want to live the way. I don't know really what I want to how I want to go. But I know I don't want to do this anymore. And then I just started diving into stuff. Some stuff stuck, and a lot of stuff didn't.

What has stuck?

The spiritual stuff, the holistic stuff, the bigger picture stuff. And I will tell you, after doing a lot of studying astrology, from a scientific perspective, when I look at my chart, and all the planets and what a lot of people seem to say the same thing about planets, that I got all that makes sense, like, I'm a big picture person, I like to look at the big picture. That's why it's easy. For me, I think, to get into the spirituality, I have very few energetic things that are into the details. I know I need the details. But I'd much rather look at the big picture. And that's just that's me. It's my gift and my curse, you know? And then I think other people are the opposite. So I always love to be around people that are very detail oriented, because it helps balance me and then I have to pull away because then it also wears me out. Yeah, it's like, oh, now I just need to, you know what I just thought about recently. Have you ever seen that movie contact with Jodie Foster? Yes. And so they build this machine, and they're supposed to go meet with the aliens or whatever, in this machine, right. And so I keep having this vision. And I get this over since I seen that movie every once in awhile, but the last year, it's been really strong. There's this part where they built this machine. And they built it exactly like the specs that were given to him by this entity out in the universe, right? They built it. And then humankind said, Well, it's not safe, we got to put this chair in it for your safety. So they put this chair in it and she you know, the science is like but that it wasn't in the it wasn't in the blueprints, we don't care, you need to be safe. So she sits in it. And she's going through the wormhole or whatever. And the chair is just like it's almost giving her like whiplash, it is banging around so much. And then finally it breaks. And she's perfectly fine in this pot, like the chair was never ever needed. So I keep hearing that in my meditations that keeps coming through that. That's just how I live like I keep you know, okay, I'll put the chair in. You said it safe and then I'll use it until it breaks and then it's like usually once it breaks all those confines and restrictions and control. I'm out floating, but I'm not getting hurt anymore. You know, it's like, if I can let go of this need to control everything. Yes, I feel free in myself, you know, chaos is still happening. But I'm not in this chair just getting my brain scrambled. I'm like, It's okay. You know, and I love being in that place. Like what happens if I just let go? What happens if I just trust that the next thing I look at for menopause is what I need to know, because I can't know it all. My brain won't hold it all. It just won't. And there's so much that's why I said, when I was doing the, the information, you know, when I was doing the research, I went down the warmth. vaginal atrophy I didn't, I didn't, I all the other stuff. I didn't care. I just kept looking at links for that. Because of this moment. I guess that's what I needed to know. You know, that's where I was drawn. Sometimes I think it's okay to go with what draws us instead of what we think we should be doing.

That's true. No, I totally, I totally, totally believe that. Because, yeah, everybody's journey is different. Everybody needs something different. And so I don't always like people telling me what to do. Because I love hearing their story from this is what happened to me. And, you know, just giving you a perspective of this is what happened, this is what I did, here's my outcomes. Okay, great. But when you try to, to package that and sell it out as a fix, offer it to everybody then I'm like, no, because that's not, I'm not you, I'm not in your situation, I'm not in your circumstance. And that's, I'm a different person. I love that, you know, take what I need to from that, and apply it to myself, and then I'll keep going on my journey. But not that everything that, you know, here, you too can try this. And you'll have a better safer, smarter, sexier life, you know, whatever. It's like, ya know, and I think I have a little more, I'm more conscious of myself, even though I may not know where I'm going. I am honest with myself. And I am able to go, do I need, I can stop myself and go, do I need to be doing this? Like it may, you know, put the wheels and it may make other people uncomfortable or whatever. But do I need to do this? And if I'm like, No, I don't need to do this. I can stop and I will stop. And I'll just like, Okay, everybody else is going by. And I'm not moving with them. But that's not what I need to be doing right now. Because I just don't feel it. Like I don't feel it. Yeah, if it doesn't feel right. What am I doing? I am a person I have to I don't know. I'm a little I have to feel I need my science, but I also have to feel things. And I have to I'm not looking at the stars just yet. But I do feel like I think it's in alignment. And one of these things, right, like, just like stuff like what's happening at that moment? Yeah, it's things in alignment. Do I feel everybody's vibe? Is it working? Like the person I'm dealing with? I am a big believer in in vibes. So I don't you know, I can't describe that. I can't tell you what that means. Intuition. It's, you know, my instinct, the whatever, I don't know what you want to call it. But if I don't jive with the person, if it if I don't feel that someone's being honest. And I don't mean that they're a bad person or whatever, just, they're just not where we're not going to work because they're looking, you can look at stuff with a rosy tinted glass, that's fine and put those on I can put those on to and you can look at things and you know, think of see the future and so your youth can see, you're building all of these things to get you where you want to go. But don't come up and you know, deny that the tree is green. Like, I'm looking at the cheese green. Give me something else and that's fine, but if you're lucky, I say no. She is a rainbow. Okay, I'm out. Like I can't know if you can say like, but we can, you know, like why does the tree have to be green? Why can't we have rainbow trees and I'm gonna get to work on making a rainbow. Oh, yeah. Okay, let's go. Yes. Oh, into that. But, you know, no, the tree is not green. It's rainbow. Right. Yeah, I can't work with them. Yeah. All right, so I don't know. But it's, it's hard, you got to ask yourself some hard questions of why am I sad? Why am I depressed? What is making me? You know? Is it something internal that I have no control over? Is it because I keep putting myself in situations that I have no business putting myself into, and I keep getting the same result. But I keep on doing it. Like, can you sit back, be self reflective and go? Okay, I did this, and I did this. And I did. Oh, shoot, I did it again. Because I did this before I did this at work. I did this with my family. I did this with myself, like, can you do that? Or and are you willing? Like how you may not be able to do that, but are you willing to go there? Are you willing to you know, somebody's like saying, Hey, I'm gonna hold up a mirror. You may not like what you're gonna see. But are you willing to look in the mirror? And they're like, No, I can't look at it. Okay, you're not ready. Maybe later you might be. But I'm always one like, Yeah, let's go show me the mirror. Like I want to see at all. See everything you like, the good and the bad? And like, Okay, I'll be like, Yeah, okay. But I want to fix it. Like, what can I do? Change that reflection, that image? You know, what, I believe in self improvement, I believe in, in evolving and changing and adapting. I don't like being static. And I like the word now. My husband uses it a lot. And I'm like, yeah, it's just making informed choices. Like, that's what sometimes we make, we've made choices, we made decisions. Because we didn't know any better. We didn't know that we could have done X, Y, and Z, like all we saw was, you know, A or B. And but now it's like you can write when you're young. When you're 18, and you're in your 20s. And whenever you have no clue, you don't know you're just doing things. But then like by 2050, you kind of like, okay, if you left your house and you got a job and you went out into the world, you've been around the block a few times, okay. So you know, you know, a little bit more than you knew when you were 16, that you knew when you were 20, then you knew maybe when you were in 30. So now you can make some informed choices, go get information and know that if you don't have the information, you need to start asking. Because I remember when I was younger, I wouldn't add I'd be so embarrassed to ask anybody for help or show that I don't know something right to that. I don't I don't know what that means. I don't know what that's all about. I didn't want anybody to see. So I would just like, you know, wing it till i What is it fake it till you make it kind of thing? I'm over that. I'm just like, I don't know, what does that mean? You know, just tell me now, like, what you think it means or whatever, and then I'll do my research. And then I'll you know, put it together. And I'm okay saying slow down. I need a little more time. I'm fine. Say that. I wouldn't have said that before. I would have just like kept on going like, okay, yeah, sure. Like, yeah.

So do you think it's interesting that menopause hits us at this 50 years, you know, you know, plus or minus the 50 years? And I heard you saying that, you know, I'm getting more. You didn't use the word mindful, but more aware of like, This doesn't feel right for me. Why am I doing it? And I think, is it that? I just heard you saying that and I was thinking, isn't that interesting that we hit this menopause where our body literally does a 180 on us? And we have to do that we have to go within? You know, I mean, we don't have to, but we're getting more prompted to. And I think as we age, we can we've had that wisdom, right? We've had that experience over the years to say, Oh, now, you know, I used to ignore this, I'm not going to anymore, or it doesn't feel right. I'm not going to force myself to be in it anymore. I mean to listen to me. So it's interesting that it all maybe menopause is actually a really cool thing. You know,

I think it's cool. I think it can be cool. But for so many it looks like the it looks like vulnerability. And that's it's difficult to deal with suddenly being vulnerable, and seeing other people see you, you're looking at yourself through their eyes and them seeing you as being vulnerable. Because if you've been this Go, go go, you've got it all together, and you may not have gotten it had it all together, but you are a powerhouse that just bulldoze through whatever life putting your way, you know, and just deal with the consequences as you go. But to now be vulnerable. Because your emotions are, you know, all over the place, your body is telling you things, and you don't know like, Who do you go to? Right? Do you turn to your partner, and go, Hey, dude, or, you know, whoever, right, they turn your partner and they don't know, they're like, they're either not going through it. They don't know how that, you know, they weren't coming to you for some answers coming to you for some information. So it's like, why are you asking me, you know, I don't know how to help you. And then to see, to see them be afraid, because they don't know what to do with you. They don't know how to help. They don't know, you know, they're not doctors. They don't, they're, they'll give you

and also they look to I guess I can only speak for myself. But like, when we act like we're always on top of things and handling things. They've never had the opportunity to be participants they've never had, they've never been asked to. And now the person that they saw as this rock as being vulnerable, like, probably scares them as much as it scares us. And so I think that just takes me back to thinking, I love having my community of women, you know, because I go to them, you know, I go to them, when I'm feeling vulnerable, I call them I have tea with them. And I and it's a safe place, because we're both going through it or have been through it, you know, it's a little easier for me to be vulnerable to somebody that I think has experienced something. Yes, is somebody that has not which I kind of hate that because it limits, I feel like it limits my thinking and my ability to be authentic. But when I'm doing something new, I really need to be in a safe space. So that helps being vulnerable,

if they have that vulnerability, if they're able to be vulnerable with you, and, you know, and, and show you some weakness, right? Or just some moment of like, Yeah, I had this experience, then you you feel comfortable, you feel connected, you're like, Okay, who, like you've gone through a hard thing. I've gone through hard things. So we can when you have a meeting point, but if you if the other person doesn't, then yeah, you're just sitting up there thinking, Well, I know, I'm thinking, how can you help me like you don't know what I'm talking about, you have no point of reference, you haven't revealed to me any point of reference, that you have gone through some kind of challenging, you know, whatever, it may not be the same. But just a challenge is a challenge, you know, a mountain to climb a mountain to climb, right, no matter where in the world, that is something that you had to go through and overcome. If you're talking like No, I've never had that. And I I got all my stuff together. Like how do I know which, you know, I don't know what you're talking about? How are you gonna help me if you're not acknowledging yourself? Or, or if you really, truly have had this life that has kept all of this from you. It's like, I just need somebody to help me on my journey. I don't want to necessarily, Oh, I gotta deal with

you now. Right. And I love that because that I think that's how I feel with doctors. Like I went to see this one OBGYN and she was a know it all, she knew everything, but I didn't feel she was vulnerable with me in any way, shape, or form. So it just kind of bounced off me was like, I don't trust you, because you're not very human here, you know, I might as well be standing in front of a computer screen being told what to do. And that really, I didn't go back to see her, she might be great. But I need that. I need that connection. And I think connection for me comes with just a little vulnerability, you know, just I don't need to hear her whole life story, but just a little vulnerability or even a little compassion, like, oh, man, I get why you're feeling this way. You know, I can see why it feels so stressful. Or you know, I don't know. And that is where I have a hard time with doctors, I think because they don't show their vulnerability. I don't think they're taught to know I have had a few doctors throughout my years that I really liked and it was because I could relate to them. They may be told a little personal story or you They explained how maybe someone they knew close to a doctor was going through the same, you know, just something. And it's like, I gotta get them off that pedestal or I can't feel honest with them. I'm not very honest with a doctor that just knows everything. Yeah. But I'm more honest with someone that, like I have Oscar insurance right now. And so it's kind of this weird EPO, and it's, it sucks. But what they do offer is 24/7, you can contact a doctor, and they'll call you and talk about whatever ailment you have and give you direction. So over the last two years, I've talked to maybe five or six, and the one that really made me feel comforted was the one that said, oh, you know, I have this too. And I tried all these natural things. And this was kind of what worked for me, but let's do that. And I was like, oh, okay, you know, she's been there, she gets it. And I felt more apt to follow what she'd said, even though, you know, the drugs she prescribed didn't help at all, but I felt more connected, you know, and then I felt more willing to talk about this issue that I had, and I actually got help for it. So just really different, you know, maybe if it isn't in that moment, that it fixes everything, it led me to feel more comfortable venturing into it, and getting more information later.

Well, I think doctors also, I mean, I know I was raised where, you know, the doctors knew it all. And you listened to the doctor and whatever. And I fought against that. The, they can be judgey like, I've been reading a lot of articles of doctors being judgey. And people now coming forward and saying, Yeah, I stopped going to that doctor, because, you know, I said, this is what was going on, after I had my baby. And, you know, and they just were like, Oh, you're just like, they judge me for saying that for showing whatever vulnerability within the so they stopped going. So it's like, oh, my, what? You know, or the lady was dealing with a weight issue. And, you know, in that moment that she would say something, and the doctor just felt the need to not be supportive at all. And it just like that, do you understand the relationship of like, what is going on when you walk into a doctor's office? I don't think I think doctors, some a lot of doctors, because they have so much knowledge, because they have spent so many years, you know, studying or whatever, do have a little bit of that god complex or I'm I'm up on a pedestal and plus society

has has has done that you want to be a doctor, a lawyer. A lot of those are the people we think are just you know, there's a lot that goes with that. And I was you were saying about? Oh, so I was at a horsemanship class yesterday. Yeah. And a woman, one of the fellow students came up to me and she said, the owner of this company said that I should reach out to you because I have chronic pain. I know that you do holistic, holistic health work, holistic healing, and I said, Oh, yeah, and I wasn't sure what she meant, because so many things. And she said, Yeah, I have this terrible knee issue, blah, blah, blah, we started talking and what she told me, she said, I went to a pain management doctor that was recommended to me. And he told me that I have to lose, lose 10 pounds a week, or he's not even going to help me. He didn't even help me. And I was like, that's so awful. Yeah. And she goes, I feel so judged and shamed. And she's like, I can't lose 10 pounds a week. She said, I just, I quit going, I need to find an alternative method. Yeah. I was like, I'm so sorry.

See, that makes me angry. That gets me so like, ah, but yeah, you know, how do you communicate that to people like that should not happen. You need to have good bedside manner, whatever you need to learn how to communicate. You can't just be a robot in a computer. And you're definitely can't be judging people. Like you need people. You need to meet people where they are in life, and move on. That's it. Right? So Right.

And a wonderful community. Yes, gentle and compassionate. And isn't it wonderful that we have this community that she mentioned that to her therapist, and her therapist goes, well, I know somebody, you know, not that I'm going to have all the answers, but I did tell her I have some great acupuncturist that I've seen that have really helped me I go, there's two I can tell you about them and you can choose or find someone else, but I go I don't know what our conversation is gonna spur, you know, but you were brought here so let's have the conversation and see what happens. Because I never want to tell anybody what to do. I just offer a bunch of suggestions and whatever sticks go with it, you know, it's like throwing spaghetti on the wall half the time because I just don't think we know. And I keep feeling like with all the things going on in the world, everything moving so fast. Everything is like reach this extreme level of you're either A or B, that we get this opportunity to create communities to not rely on the things that we put so much weight on in the past to tell us what is right, what's wrong for us. We can use them as guides, but we got to take our power back, you know, going back to the menopause, I feel like in my 50s, I'm taking my power back, you know, the things that I was able to barrel through because maybe I thought I was good looking or I was fit, or I could have sex whenever I wanted. Those things are kind of shifting, and I have to find a new way. And the only way is to take my power back. I can't rely on what everybody tells me is right. You know, I can't rely just on science. I can't rely just on metaphysics, I can't rely just on what my friend says I got to, you know, I use them all as signs, you know, their signals, but it's really how I feel and what feels right, and then take that. But I just feel like this community where we're taking care of each other, in this way where we can be vulnerable, might be more powerful for me, you know, then how it used to work.

And you see taking your power back. What, like, describe that, like, make that more.

So I studied with this woman, her name was Carolyn mace. And she did this something energetics. I can't even remember what it was. I looked at it so many years ago. But she gave an analogy. And she said, What if every day, let's just say you're given 100 points of energy. Okay, you wake up in the morning, you have 100 points of energy. By the time you get into the shower, you're leaking it because you're thinking, Oh my God, I didn't take care of this. Oh, my God, are my kids. Okay, here, did I schedule this appointment? Did I pay this bill? And every thought just leaks your energy. And she goes in? Imagine that, that 100 points is your power. And so every thought that you give to something else that's out of your control, or isn't present in the moment, you're losing energy? And she goes, Yeah, we're gonna lose energy every day. But how can we take it back from the things that we've given outside of ourselves? So, for example, for me, maybe I gave a lot of power away by what other people thought about me. So that would mean that I spent a lot of energy looking good. I spent a lot of energy looking right, I spent a lot of energy, making sure I said the right things being a good parent all, you know, on and on. Okay, and so now I go, No, this is right for me. And I really am not concerned about what other people are thinking about me. Okay, I'm not concerned about how people feel about me as much as I used to be. Right. Okay, so that's bringing my power back. Okay, okay. Yeah. Like, I come first, you know, like, I feel good enough in myself to be able to be okay with this, with this decision, is, can you walk out without makeup today?

Is there any guilt associated with that?

Only when it comes to my children, but I've done so much work on that balance for so long. But in the beginning, there was like, if I'm taking care of myself, someone else is getting dropped. I'm selfish. I'm, I'm self absorbed. You know, all those things came up. But the reality was, I was no good. Anyway, you know, I was no good. When my energy is in 50 different directions, but I seem to be doing what I should be doing. How really good is that? How much of me is really going in any of that? My kids are going God, you're always on your phone. Or, you know, it just doesn't feel right. But I keep doing it anyway. Yeah. And so that's me just giving away my power.

All right. And so now you're taking it back? Yeah. How does it feel?

It's amazing. I have so much more peace in my life. So much more peace. I have more time to do the things I want to do. Wow. Where'd that come from? I feel more clear about my purpose, even if it's just in the day. You know, my purpose? I don't know. I still thought I think like you had said earlier it's going to be some grandiose thing, that I think that my purpose is just being in my body, present in Every moment that and then the purpose just comes out. Like why am I podcasting? I don't know. Because it felt right. And they came to me and it all lined right. It was beyond my doing. I said to the university, I'd love to do that. That'd be fun for boo, boo, boo, boom, here we are. I didn't go out and try to figure out how to do it. I don't know. So I think it beat taking my power back feels really good. My blood pressure's down like there are physical manifestations of me taking my my power back. The Lyme disease that I have it I haven't really had a flare up in a while, I can tell you it almost is directly related to when I start draining my power, I start feeling the effects of that, for sure.

Do you feel that when you go to the doctor with with whatever, right you have some ailments some thing that doesn't quite feel right. But you can't describe what that like you can't say. You know, you don't have a name for it. You just like something doesn't feel right. And you're trying to talk it through with your doctor is your well, is your doctor helpful? Like can you do you feel comfortable doing that?

Doing what? Going through and

talking through because you said you feel like your body and you feel that it's often you, you know, you try to realign yourself. But if you are trying to talk it through with your medical person, does it? Do you feel like you can have that kind of conversation with them? Like I've had a few instances now where I've gone to my doctor, and I've said this isn't normal. I'm feeling X y&z This isn't normal for me. And I'm very conscious of what I eat, drink, you know, my highs and lows. And I'm trying to convey that to my doctor. And they're just looking at me like, that's a normal thing. Like everybody has that. And I'm like, for me, that's not normally it's not okay to have headaches all the time. And I don't want to take Tylenol every day. So can we explore some other things of what are the why this may be happening? Versus it's just a common thing is not a big deal. Just take the Tylenol and move on. But I like that that's that's not okay. Like, I should not be having headache, I should not be told, or I should not have to just suck it up and deal with it. And so if you I mean, I was just wondering, like, do you feel that like you go to your doctor with phantom things that are not Phantom, but you kind of may be made to feel like they might be?

Absolutely I did for years. And that's why I started going to natural doctors. Because they took the time to like, really listen, and they would take notes. And they were like, Oh, well, this could be off, you know, let's do a blood test and see if this is what it is. And my natural doctors do very different blood tests than Western medical doctors. And they look at different levels of different things. And and then we like, Okay, well, let's work on that. And while I'm and I will say that in the beginning, I still relied on my natural doctors to fix me. And then as time went on, I was like, Wait a minute. I'm also noticing when I'm super stressed when I'm losing my power when I'm not aligned when I'm not taking care of myself. I'm here more. Like why don't I just do those things, save myself some money, you know, so but it's been a process, you know, a big process because I've been seeing natural doctors for eight years, eight years now, eight years, okay, because I just, you know, they wanted to take out my other ovary. I was like, Ah, I got one left. I don't like your answers. I've been to two of you. You're not giving me the answer I want. So I went to a natural diet. That's when I started seeing a naturopath and then she took like an hour with me. I was like what? Yeah, I have to pay out of pocket. It was expensive. But I was like up. I value this. I'll pay. This is important to me. Yeah. Yeah. So it's just what we value. It's got to be aligned with what we value.

No. Okay, here's a different little because I'm about to go see a natural path actually. So I have like a two hour session. I'm supposed to schedule it here soon. So we'll see how that goes. And I mean, she seemed pretty cool. I was okay with everything I was seeing on the website and I had a friend that went and that was why I decided like okay, I'm just gonna try this. Because my friend really was like, oh my goodness, this made such a difference like after having gone to Western as she still has a Western, you know, doctor but they were not addressing and helping her whatsoever. Ever with what she had, it was just more like take this medicine, take this medicine. And now she was at the point of having so much medicine that she was like, I don't want to do that, like, this is just ridiculous the amount of medicines that I have to take, and now you're telling me I had to take one more. So she went to the naturopath and with the like, therapists person, and the two of them combined, help find and align and pulled out all of this stuff. So it was like, Okay, I'm gonna try it out. Let's see how it goes. But I think of that. And now I think, all right, this is a Ford double for a person of privilege. Like, can I tell you say to someone in a different socio economic bracket, hey, just, you know, meditate, do some yoga, and, you know, drink these herbs and whatever it like, like, I don't know, I always think like, how do you tell that, you know, some people get to a doctor,

right? And I think about that, too. And I got this is where community helps. Like, if we have a community that just isn't of one socio economic like, Okay, I have spent the money, I hope that I can share this information with people that are interested or that need it. You know, that's where I think as a community, like, I can share, you know, I can help, I can offer some background through experience strength and hope, you know, maybe lead them to places that might, I've always looking for that like the Samueli Center at UCI, they, you know, they started out really integrative, and they take insurance, you know, so they can be helpful. I've actually had friends that it wasn't because they didn't have the money, it's not their value. And so they didn't want to go see the natural paths. But by talking to me, they found one through their insurance through the UCI Samueli Senator, you know, so that's what I mean, like community, you know, you just share what you have. And maybe that's the way that other people are able to benefit from these types of, I don't know, surfaces, you know,

I think our next talk, one of our next talks needs to be about community, because that word keeps coming up a lot. And I do believe in community. But then, okay, how do we create more community better community, I mean, I know people, people, whenever I say that to people, they're like, oh, just, you can do it through Facebook, or, you know, Instagram or whatever. And I'm, I'm not a social media person, I don't have Facebook. So I could care less about that. But I also am not a, like, I'm talking to you, you know, through zoom. But I'm a, let's meet in person, like, let's go to the park, or let's go for a walk on the hike, you know, on the trail. And I do feed off the vibe of other people, like I need to meet you in person, I need to talk to you, I need to see you touch you to connect. And I don't want to there's a disconnect a little bit of a disconnect on Facebook. Absolutely. And it's like, I don't want that kind of I mean, it helps other people and I get it, and it helps a newer generation that's grown up on that. And that's what community means to them. And that's fine. But I want to, like, let's break bread together. Like, I'll bring the bread and you bring the Bushido, you bring the cheese. So let's get together. Let's talk and let's, you know, so

what about, you know, meetup groups and going into groups that are topics that are very valuable to you? You know,

yeah, to look more into the whole meetup thing. I know, I know, it keeps coming up. meet ups. I'm writing it down right now. Yes, I know. I have to,

like it took five years, I would actually, you know, because I always do. I always, not always, but I write down things during new moons and full moons of my intentions, you know, and a lot of it was I want to community I want to be part of a community and I swear within a few months, I was brought into a community and that is still the community I have now. So I think it's just being intentional. Putting our energy where we want it put in case

that's manifesting this manifestation that's that's what I've learned that word is popped up a lot recently. I'm like, Okay, I gotta manifest I gotta visualize if I really want it, I got to like, write it down.

And then like you said, execute, you know show up when you get an invite. Gotta go show up. You may not even feel right, right? It I mean, the first time I started doing these things, ah, so painful. I was like, I don't even know if I want to be here. I feel so uncomfortable. They're all they've all been doing this so long. Long, I don't know what they're talking about, I'm gonna look stupid, I had to be vulnerable, I had to show up and just say, it just feels right. I'm here to see, to see what happens was tough. And some of them, like I said, didn't stick. And some of them did. But well really is vulnerability community is synonymous with vulnerability. It

is. And we have to, we should have to do anything. But we should, I really would like to see a community of women that can come together and talk about menopause and be vulnerable, like have a space. And even if they don't have a space, like with us or whatever, but that they feel comfortable going and talking with their own group, their own niche, whoever that is, and being honest, being honest about where they are in life and what is happening to them. Because you know, whether it's the atrophy, whether it's the emotional highs and lows, whether it's the, you know, the hot flashes that are just like, you know, that I hear people talking about, and I want to tell you this, like I keep getting hot lately, but it's really hot right now. It's like, I don't know, something's going on with the weather. But I will run to my house and be like, Oh, my God, I think I'm having a hot flash. I think this is and then to say, no, do anything. It just how hot like yeah, I just I just feel me looking at me like, Oh, okay. I think it might be No, no, it's not. No. I'm feeling fine. Now. I had some hot tea. And I closed the AC in my office. So now I'm just going to open the AC like, I'm good. But it's just one of those like, I don't know, like, I have no clue. And I do read things. And then I take on, you know what I? Like? I think that's I think that's what I think that's what I have. Yeah, I think it's important to just go and talk and have be able to have that self reflection be able to be vulnerable with yourself before you can go be with someone in a group. Or if you're ready for a group to just take you into their arms. Then just be ready to you know, let go of it. Yeah, get ready for that chair to break and just float. Yeah. And he's a trust. Yep. So there you go.

All right. Well, I think that kind of wraps it up, you know, we, the menopause, like really just being able to be honest with ourselves so that we can be honest with our doctors or our community or even when we're looking online. Just be honest with ourselves of what we're what we're needing. Yeah, we want to go.

Yes. And it's not a fix at all. It's, you're gonna have to go through it. Like, be ready to go through it. Like you're gonna have to, like that's just what happens to all of us. Just get ready.

Yep. It's progress, not perfection.

Like that. All right, cool.

All right. Yay.

Thank you for listening to Being F'ing Honest with your hosts, Jennifer Wong and charity Rodriguez. Subscribe to our show wherever you listen to podcast, and if you have a suggestion, question or topic you want us to talk about, connect with us at www being effing honest.com And until next time, we hope you're always being effing honest