Family, Love, and Dementia

Hello and welcome to our podcast, Being I'm Jennifer Wong.

And I'm Charity Rodriguez.

And we invite you into our conversations of people with honesty, humor and authenticity. Our hope is to bring people together and community by creating safe environments of non judgment. And we know this can be tough, so we will go ahead and go first.

Hello. Welcome. Good morning. To being effing honest, I'm Charity Rodriguez. So how are you? What's going on?

Welcome, welcome. I'm Jennifer Wo ng and welcome to being effing honest where we get to talk about things that people aren't normally talking about, but it's with normal, everyday people. We hope that what we say here today will just be something that could inspire, bring hope, experience strength, and create conversations in your own communities.

Yay! Yay! All right. Well, today's topic, when last time we talked, we had talked about what had brought us together and why we wanted to talk. And one of those things I wanted to kind of circle back around to the point about being caregivers, because that was a really powerful and moving thing that we had talked about. So I wanted to talk some more about that today. Again, we were caregivers. We both were caregivers for our fathers that both had different forms of dementia and Alzheimer's. And it was very impactful. And as I was thinking about that this week, I thought about it a lot because, I mean, I knew my reason for how I ended up in the situation of being the caregiver. But I wanted to hear more about your reason for why and how there was something. There was I remember there was a little something that a little nugget that you had dropped that I thought was really interesting about going to see your father in Nevada. So can you talk a little more about that?

Sure. So my dad was diagnosed with Lewy body Alzheimer's. And I didn't really understand what it meant or anything until I started going to the Alzheimer's Association's support groups. And they actually had a support group specifically for Lewy body dementia patients, I guess. And so I started attending that. And what I found out that I didn't think my family knew at the time they might have, but I went to my own support groups because my dad was in Las Vegas and I was in Orange County. And what I found out was with this disease, it was very progressive. So from the time of diagnosis to the time of passing was only 5 to 7 years, which with Alzheimer's or other dementias, it could last a lot longer, decades, in fact. So once I heard that, I was like, Oh my gosh, I don't have a lot of time. And I started making a point to go out to see my dad in Vegas probably every 4 to 6 weeks just to hang out and to. Really get to know him again because there had been decades when we did not get along at all. And the beauty of this disease, if there is one, was it caused a lot of his filters to to fall away. And so the tough guy that he was, the judgmental guy that he was the hard core, I used to call him the school of Hard Knocks guy that he was kind of went away. And so he started being more heart centered is how I viewed it. And I wanted to just spend more and more time with him to hopefully. You know, close the circle on our relationship, because when I was little, he was my idol. I loved him. I couldn't hang out with him enough. And then once I got to college, like, the wheels fell off for decades. And then it was like this opportunity to get to know him again.

Do you know why the wheels fell off? Like was there just a period of time and then something like you just became distant or was there a marked event that you can go back to and go, Yeah, you know, on this day, at this time, this is what happened. And then we were never able to reconcile after that or something.

You know, I don't know. I know it happened in college and it began over finances. Because he had said he would help me with tuition and then he had changed his mind and I was really disappointed. But I wasn't mad at him, you know, because I was like, I grew up. You got to just do it. You just do it. So. But then, I don't know. We just really got distant. I have no idea what happened or why. Just. He got really judgmental and he started not agreeing with my lifestyle. He started not agreeing with my choices. And all the way up until. His dementia really kicked in. He would tell the family he was worried about me and because I chose this. Life less traveled pretty much. You know, I didn't get a job. I didn't own a house. I didn't do the 9 to 5. I wanted to just do what I wanted to do, you know. And he worried about that all the time.

But he was worried. He was telling others that he was able to express some concern for you. Like you didn't just totally become silent and you're wondering, like, what's up with this dude? Like, now in hindsight, right, you can go back and go like he did say to others, like, I'm worried about her.

I don't know if he said those words. Honestly, he might have to my step mom. But what I heard was, yeah, Jen needs to get her shit together. That's what I heard. And then when I had my first divorce and I had my oldest daughter, who was four at the time, they actually lived in LA and they loved their grandbaby to pieces and they would love to babysit her and watch her. And then when I got divorced, my dad had told my stepmom and he had told my aunt, I think that we got to get out of here. I don't want to be her built in babysitter, which I never asked. So there was those kind of things that I kept hearing about. Yeah.

Wow.

So not cool. You know? And I always was like, what? What did I do? And I actually didn't hear that until I think he was really sick. And in the assisted living when that story came out, I didn't even know that. Oh, that was like 18 years later.

That's a lot. That's a lot to keep deep down in your in yourself. What do you. So you said that his filters floated away like he you know, his anger and toughness, tough guy ness just kind of disappeared a little bit, was relaxed. So was he saying more things in a positive light? You know, like how was your interaction with him? Like, what were you guys saying? How how were you communicating?

So interestingly enough, the Lewy body speak very well. I mean, he quit writing. He couldn't even write really early on, probably two years after diagnosis. And then his speaking became very labored. And he didn't say too much. But before he went to assisted living and I was flying out there to hang out with him, I started to. Ask him to tell me stories and I would record them on my phone. And so that was kind of nice. He just became. Less harsh. He I think in the beginning it was really hard because he was losing his power. He was he was feeling weak. Right. Because he needed all this help because he actually could not physically do things. So he had to ask for help, which was humbling. I think six months after he quit driving, he became a lot more. Kind, and he started thanking us for what we would do for him. Like if we made him a meal, he'd say, Oh, thank you. Not that he didn't have gratitude before, but he was really grateful. And he would just look me in the eyes more and smile. So I don't know. It was more energetic because he wasn't able to talk as much, so maybe I just assumed that he was nicer because he couldn't say the things he wanted to say. But there was an energy about him. And then right before he went into assisted living, he got really, really sick. I was up all night because he couldn't sleep. So Lewy body dementia you go through this thing where he would he was up for like 11 days straight. He could not sleep. He had like his legs wouldn't stop moving, his body wouldn't stop moving. And because he couldn't communicate, we don't know if he was in pain or what was going on, but he just kept walking and walking and walking. And I remember like he was walking so much and I was exhausted. I had been up for 72 hours and we just didn't know what to do and nobody was helping us. The doctors weren't calling us back. It was actually quite terrible and I had to strap him into a La-Z-Boy chair because I just couldn't have him fall down right. Like and I was so tired and I hated doing it. I mean, just thinking about it makes me want to cry. But he moved that La-Z-Boy chair across the floor. He he could not stop moving. It was horrific. And so at nighttime, it would get worse because then he would get tired in the day and he would sleep during the day. And one night after we'd been up forever, I was sitting next to his bed because I would help him to the bathroom. And the other thing was he would have to get up to go to the bathroom like ten times an hour. It was just this manic thing that was going on. And he finally got back in bed and he was settled for a second and I was just sitting on the chair next to his bed, just trying to just trying to survive, really. And he says he looked over and he goes, You're a good daughter, Jen. And that was like, Okay, yeah, we're clean.

Yeah.

That was the big moment.

Wow. Okay. He says so many things there, and first off, the doctors like, really? They offered you nothing? No. Why the movement like. No. Feedback knows like, yes, we know that this is something that happens. We don't have an explanation for it, but it's just something that happens. Or were they just like, Wow, this kind of stumped us. We've never seen that before.

So Las Vegas is an interesting place, too. But because I wasn't there, I don't have a ton of details. But my understanding was he was going to the Cleveland Institute, the Cleveland Brain Institute, whatever. They're around the country. They're known to be neuro neuro neurology doctors or neurologists or whatever. And the doctor that they were seeing, every time she would call, they wouldn't call us back. They wouldn't call us back. They wouldn't call us back. He couldn't get back to us. We couldn't get in for like days and days and we didn't know what to do. I mean, we were like horrified, actually. And so what finally ended up happening, I think we got in to see the doctor. They gave more drugs. The drugs weren't working. We called again and we finally had to call emergency like the ambulance to take him to the hospital just to get him settled. It was really bad and they were like, they didn't know what to do with Lewy body patients. They're like, He's fine. Take them home. And we were like, No, we can't take a vote because we don't know what to do with him and he's going to hurt himself like we don't know what to do. And it was really bad. My sister good thing she is a she works as CPS worker, a children protective services worker. And so she's very familiar with hospital protocols. And so, I don't know, she worked her magic and got them to keep her I mean, keep my dad. For a few days. Yeah.

When you're dealing with. Illnesses. I did learn that. You do learn a lot about hospital protocols. You learn a lot about doctors and their speak. You have to kind of learn to translate what they're saying to you because there's a lot of things that go unsaid or things that you have to kind of fill in, you know, other than you have cancer, right? They might call you in and be like, oh, we need to let you know, this tumor has shown up on your x ray. And it's like. So you said tumor. Is that like, that's it. That's bad. It's malignant. That's right. Well, some. And then they go into like some of them are this, some of them are that. And they're giving you all this history. Yeah. What's mine like? I'm just like, what is my thing? What am I supposed to do? Give me my action items? But shoot. Yeah. The protocol of the hospital and what you can do. And and then you have to learn the ins and outs of how do you keep them in there? How do you keep them in there a little bit longer? How do you get, you know, foods for them that they want and they're not eating what the they're giving them while they're in there. And you're trying to sneak in some food, but you got to make sure that you're not going to give them something that's going to compromise the situation. I mean, we were doing all that. But there was another thing that I wanted to ask you. So Lewy body, you said Lewy body. And I just remembered Robin Williams diagnosed with Lewy body. Was that the one that he had? Because I know there are different forms.

Yeah. I mean, from the research I've done Lewy Body Research because the thing about Lewy body dementia, when my dad was going through it, the research I did, it's only been a diagnosable disease for 20 years, so they don't even have a lot of research on it. I mean, you know, they can't even figure out Alzheimer's that's been around forever. So Lewy bodies, like, really new. They don't even know which drugs to give. They're just learning through experimentation, like, don't give them this drug. And when we we put them in the hospital, they gave them that don't give him this drug. And he just went down. He went down fast after that.

Oh, my gosh.

And that was when we had to put him in And then it wasn't until we got him into a memory care facility that they actually knew how to get the drugs right. So he had a little bit better quality for maybe like a year after that. And then it took two years before he died.

And your heart, your brain, your emotions, You're going through it and your constant highs and lows. Highs and lows.

Well, Charity, tell me about your dad.

Yeah, I will. But I wanted to you know, the thing I kept hearing and listening to about your dad was. You know, he goes from being this kind of stoic, distant guy, right, to then being able to say, you're a good daughter. And maybe he was masking. His fear for you write like when someone loves sometimes with parents, they can love you so much, but they just don't know how to express it. And they are telling you things in a negative light. But they're telling you those things because they feel like you need it or they feel like they're being helpful. They feel like, I'm just being honest with you, you need to get your shit together, right? You need to get it in order so you're not out here languishing in the pool kind of thing. But then when they can let go of that fear, they can see your okay, you're doing fine, right? Maybe you didn't make the choices that they wanted you to make. Maybe you're not doing things and the way that they understand, but that they can let go of all of those expectations that they have and then just actually like see you in your moment. In that moment. That could be what happened. I don't know.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And it's hard to say. It's really hard to say. I think my dad always loved me. I do. He was just super hard on me. And probably just like what you said, you know, he was worried. And and sometimes in meditation, I talked to my dad and I really get this sense that I was a lot like him and he just probably saw his own defects. And he wanted me to go above and beyond them, maybe. It's always hard to say. I mean, my dad, you know, when I was growing up, I loved him so much because he was a dreamer. And he always used to tell me, you got to own your own business. You got to do your own shit. You got to have your own freedom. Always follow your dreams, you know there's always hope. You got to take those risks. Jin You've got to take those risks to do what you want to do in life and. I mean, that just went right into my subconscious, created grooves, and I couldn't hear anything else. Maybe it was a combination of both. My personality was already fit for that. But hearing that at a young age and knowing how the subconscious works, it became my belief system. So that's what I did. My whole life, I mean, once I got out of having a regular job, I've been an independent contractor for 25 years, you know, and it's always a risk that is a risk, you know, and it's always hoping that you'll find another contract. But it gave me flexibility to be a single mom and raise my kids. I never had to put my kids in daycare, which there's nothing wrong with it. But that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to raise them. And and it afforded me that flexibility. So but then it also I didn't have the money. Right. Because if I have that flexibility, I'm not working 60 hour workweeks and I couldn't buy a house. So sometimes I just wonder, was he seeing his failures because he didn't he ended up not following his dreams.

He didn't do you know what his dream was?

He always wanted to own his own company.

Do you know what.

Kind of company you.

Like? What he just wanted? I'm not saying be the entrepreneur.

Yeah, yes, yes. And. And he ended up working for a company for a long time, and he did really well. And he was able to retire and made a good living. So I don't know, you know, maybe see me doing what failed for him, worried him. I don't know.

It can be. Yeah, it can be scary. Maybe he got scared and said, you know what, let me just take this regular 9 to 5. It's more security. But then in the back of your brain, you can you're thinking like, I gave up, I gave up, I walked away. So you were asking about my dad. And my father was a very quiet man. He was a very quiet man. He could be funny. He could be really funny and tell some really engaging stories. But he was an observer. And but he worked he worked very hard. He had really, really strong work ethic. And he modeled that for us children. And you just would hear and what he did and what he said, and that was the expectation. And so you just you work and you work hard. He was a dreamer, but he was dreaming of a better life for his children. He was dreaming of when he could return to Cuba and be with family and the simple. And have his simple life and enjoy. You know what was there for you, right? The sun, the sand, the beaches, the trees, the animals, the grass. Just the outdoors. That was. It. He had his own business in Cuba, so he had always worked for himself and he always liked that. He liked working for himself. He liked being in control of his destiny and his and having a choice. He had a choice. But when they made the decision to leave Cuba and come to the United States, it was for the children. That was it like, okay, you know what? Forget about your dreams. Forget about what you want to do. It's like, what do you have to do? And right now he's coming over. He had three children in tow. I need to provide for my three children and my wife. And so what to get what's available. And so he took the first thing that was offered and he stayed there. He worked for 25 plus years with the US steel mill, which became US or something like that. My parents weren't parents. They were like, I love you, baby, you know, just like, you know, like mommy loves you. Yeah, that was not the love was. We're working. We're working hard. We're working every day so that you have a roof over your head and food on your table and clean clothes. That was the love. That was it. So there wasn't I mean, I remember I was in grade school and our elementary school and they, you know, the teacher had her assignment and it was just like, I want you to go home and just tell your parents you love them. You love them so much and give them a big hug. And I was like, I do. I love my mommy. I love my dad. Okay? And I went home and I would go grin and I'm looking at my mom and this was my mom because my my father was at work. He worked all the time and he always took extra shifts. And what that and I was like, Mommy, I love you. I love you so much. And I swear, my mom was just like looking at me like you're a very excitable child, like you're, you know, because I was just so like, I didn't get the. I love you, too, honey. I, you know, I didn't get the hug. It was just like, och, you know, with big eyes, like, huh, okay, go to your room now. Like, you know, I can tell she's kind of confused, like, what are you doing?

And how did you feel about Oh, how did you.

You know, I was, I don't know, like nine, Nine or ten or maybe something, you know. So I was just. I did. I was kind of shot like. But she didn't do what the teacher said she was supposed to do. Right. The teacher said this is what was going to happen. I was going to get a get big hug and they were going to tell me, I love you too. And look, ankitha. And then I think I tried it a little bit with my dad. Like later, just because I was like, well, that didn't work out with Bob. So let me, you know, that was the wrong person. Like, let me just reset and do it again. And I wasn't as exaggerated. I wasn't as animated. I was just like, I love you, Poppy, you know? And he just looked at me and he smiled. And that was it, like, no, no other words. No, you know. Maybe I got a pat on the head or something. And let's get back to whatever we, you know, when's lunch or dinner or whatever. That was it. They were not they didn't say, I love you. I love you. I love you, kids. I love you. And it wasn't until later until like all the kids had left, graduated, and it was just my mom and dad together in the house. And you would go back and visit them and you would. They were very affectionate with each other. But after we were gone, like, we never saw that level of affection. I mean, we knew that they loved each other, right? There was never anger, bad words. He supported and loved and trusted my mother implicitly and vice versa. And there was never bad word said between the two of them, but they never like were holding hands or touching each other or, you know, jokey, jokey with each other. It was just like, are the kids where they need to be? Do you have the money that the school is requesting for the tuition? What? And then he would go to work and she would just take care of everything else, and then he'd come back and, you know, that was it. So, I mean, I knew the expectation was go to school. You're going to school and go to college. But it wasn't expanded like, well, what do I do after I go to school? And it wasn't about Follow your dreams and I want you to be happy and, you know, like, just.

Not the American. Yeah.

There wasn't any of that. It was just, you know. I think they thought you're going to go to school and you're going to be a lawyer or a doctor or whatever. The three big things that they know of this makes money, and that's what you're going to do. That wasn't me. I was more like movies. And, you know, I had a fantastical imagination and, you know, all this stuff. But yeah, there was it. Any of that. But, you know, I just thinking about it and this is something that's still like in the back of my head. I was talking to my brother just last night and he was talking about something, a conversation he had had with my father. And it was about just watching out for the family if anything happened to my my mom and dad and, you know, just watch out for everybody. Watch out for everybody in the family. But really make sure you watch out for your younger sister like, you know, the baby in the family. And he was like, yeah, she's fine, but what about charity? Like, she's the next one that I need to be, like, watching out for. Like, she's the next girl in the line of things and she's getting ready to go out and do stuff. And he said, No. My father told my brother, No, you don't have to worry about charity. She's very independent and she she's fine. You don't have to worry about her. You need to make sure you watch out for, you know, the baby in the family. Just make sure she's okay and everything's okay. And I know my brother was telling me this, like, yeah, see, dad had implicit support. He loved you, and he just thought you were so strong or whatever. But the way I process that or what I thought of was all the times that I was not okay. Like so many times I was not okay and I was fearful and I was scared and I didn't know what to do. And I didn't know how to go about things. And it was that. Well, there's nobody to help me out. Nobody's going to, because they all think I've got my shit together, you know? And it's like. But you. You push through and I'll, you know, something comes out and it comes out, okay. And then their response is like, see, where were you worried about? It was okay. And I'm like, No, I was scared. I was crying. I was terrified. I didn't know what I was doing. And it was that constant, like, yes, it comes out of hand. Yes. I guess for them that translated as you're very independent and you're very sure minded in your choices. Like, no, I just. Yes, in your mind, maybe that's a risky choice. What I was trying to do, you know, whatever it may be. But it wasn't a risky for me. It wasn't I didn't know what I was doing, but I just had to do something because I couldn't stand there. And everybody was like watching me write like, Oh, what are you going to do? So.

Well, how did it make you feel hearing your charity?

It was like, okay. Yeah, that's that's how That's how everything always was. But also, I wanted that. I wanted somebody to go, I don't know. I don't know what I wanted them to say. I don't know. I mean, it was cool. Like, yay. They, you know, they love me. They supported me. And I thought it was good. They didn't have to worry. That was kind of one thing I could do. You know, we had there were six of us, right? And I'm like, well, they didn't have to worry about me, right? I was not on their radar. I'm like, Oh, she's good. But I was a goody two shoe. I always did what I was supposed to do. I was always where I was supposed to be, and I did what I was supposed to do and a little bit extra because maybe I had OCD, you know, undiagnosed, I don't know. Now, later in life, I think like, oh, I think that's one of those things that you guys just didn't notice that about me. But yeah, I always did everything. And because I didn't like to disappoint, I had a great deal of anxiety about disappointing people, but. Yeah.

So you know what's so interesting about that very similar happen, but we have different responses to it. So when I was growing up, I think I was probably maybe in my early teens and I was driving down the street with my dad and we were talking about my sister who's younger than me. And he said, Oh, Jen, we really got to take care of Des because she has a big heart and she's so sensitive and we really got to, you know, take care of her. I worry about her and I want to make sure that she's okay. And I was like, What about me? And I didn't say that. But then he turned to me and he goes, Yeah, I never have to worry about you. And I took it. I was sad. I was like, Wait a minute, you don't worry about me. Like, Wait, does that mean you don't love me? Does that mean I don't know? I took it like, but I'm a very emotional feeling person. So to me it was like, Oh my God, my dad doesn't love me as much. He doesn't care about me as much. I'm just out there on my own fucking having to figure it out. Yes. And so but then I heard you also say that when you didn't want to disappoint them and you were really happy that they didn't have to worry about you. And I keep thinking like that probably showed up in different ways for me when it came to caregiving, because I will say that as a caregiver. I wasn't the one that handled the nuts and bolts. I was the one that showed up and care gave to be emotionally there for my dad. So if you were to look at the process of my dad and caregiving, my sister did most of it. She got him in the hospital. Right. Made sure he got the hospital care. She's the one that went to the VA and pounded sand until they took him in. She was the one that talked to the administrators and everybody. I didn't do any of that. And my caregiving was to go spend time with my dad before he went in the hospital to get his stories, to let him know I loved him, to hopefully find out that he actually loved me. I did things around the house. I did the shopping, you know, those kind of caregiving things, which my sister did, too. But I always have felt since he died. Like, if our family looks upon his daughters as caregivers, I feel I failed him, you know, because I didn't do the nuts and bolts things. That's not my forte, I guess. And so I'm really curious to hear how your how you felt your caregiving was for your dad.

Okay. That's a complicated question. That is very, very, very, very complicated because. I can only speak for myself. I cannot speak for others. It has taken me a long time to not. Speak and lash out in anger. Like a lot of anger. I was very angry, even though. I now can look back. And pull out the nuggets and the gems and, you know, all the wonderful things. I can look at it in a positive moment. There were positive and wonderful things happening, but there were a lot of negative things happening that, again, I had to deal with and I had to deal with it alone. And there was no or little support from others. First of all, and maybe I'm like you, I'm a very feeling emotional person. So everything that all the information that I was getting back from the doctors and the tests and the results and that this and that, that it hit me a little bit more extra than it did everybody else. First, I did not feel that everyone was understanding and acknowledging and accepting and realizing the severity of what it meant for my dad to be diagnosed with dementia. They were like, That's fine, he's OC like the doctors. Yeah, whatever. They don't, they don't always know what they're talking about. And they would come and visit and I guess maybe my mind was just racing ahead to We're going to lose our dad, we're going to lose our dad, we're going to lose our dad. That was maybe where I was coming at it from. I don't know. I'm thinking I don't maybe I can be a negative nelly, but I'm just like, I knew something wasn't right. And my mom knew something wasn't right, but she didn't know how to express what was going on. And so I'm like, You know what? Something's not right, guys. Like, I'm over here visiting my dad, and he just, you know, took a fork and was telling me it was a screwdriver, like, yeah, you know. Yeah, that does that. He's a funny guy. I'm like, No, like, and I'm trying to reiterate again, like, no, that that was not right. Like, it wasn't a joke. He wasn't joking. He was actually trying to screw something into the wall with the fork. Okay, Charity, like, just whatever. It's okay. He's fine, you know? But then we got the diagnosis and then I kind of was like, Aha. See, I told you, like, this was not right. He has dementia. And guess what, guys? He's probably had it for like seven years and no one noticed and and he did. He did have for a long time the only one that had noticed was my mom. But again, she didn't know how to express it. And she herself was such a caretaker person that she didn't miss a beat like anything that she saw that was a little off with him and his routine, she would quickly slip in there, you know, when he started putting on his clothes backwards or just funky clothes matches or trying to put on the same clothes over and over again, she would just lay out the clothes for him. All right? Like that was just like, oh, okay. Well, I don't know what's going on there, but every morning she would lay out the clothes and then just be like, okay, Poppy, you know, go get your clothes, go get dressed and you go get dressed, you know, go get dressed. And then he'd come out. Yeah, it was a little backwards, but he had the clothes on, whatever. Like, let's go on with what the day was. And then she would tell him, Go sit down, I'm going to make some lunch. Okay? I mean, he was very agreeable with everything and anything. And so, you know, that's what it was. But I, I turned around and I was like, see, he has dementia. The doctor said it is certified with the label and everything like this is for real. It wasn't just me being dramatic, it was just me being overly emotional. This is a real thing. And the response was like, Oh, wow. Okay, all right, that's interesting. And I'm like, okay, this means he can't drive anymore. He can't be in the house alone for a long period of time, like, yes, mommy is there, but she just can't move very fast. So if he escapes the property, what's going to happen again? Stop being so dramatic. He's not going anywhere. He doesn't have anywhere to go. Where is he going to go? I'm like, What are with you people? And then there's things continue to deteriorate for him. And he was forgetting more and more. And then the physical toll, like my mom couldn't help in the bedroom, you know, whenever they would go into their bedroom, the door is closed. Like, I don't know what they're doing in there. Right. And then just my mom would come out, she'd be like, oh, you know, like I could get your dad's pants on him. And she finally would come. I'd be like, I was trying to get your dad dressed, right. It got to that point of he wasn't just she couldn't just tell him to put on the clothes. She had to now physically try to put his clothes on. And she was reserving his modesty and, you know, and respect and whatever. So that's why, you know, she'd take him into the room to do that. But she finally came out and was like, I can't get your dad's pants off. And I'm like. I've never seen my dad in any like I've never seen my dad naked or, you know, like shorts to go to the pool, to the beach. And that was like long ago. I, you know, as an adult, my dad, like, stopped going to the beach. He went to the beach, but he didn't go in swim shorts or anything like that, even if it was like, Dad, we're going to the beach, we're going to spend the day at the beach. Och. And he would just be wearing his jeans and his t shirt hat and his sunglasses. They just sit there and, you know, let's go for a walk, all right? You know, go for a walk. Like jeans are going to get wet. Well, I roll them up. You know, he rolled them up. That was it. So when she comes out and she's like. I can't get your father dressed, and we have to go to the doctor's appointment. It was like, Oh, my God, no, don't make me do this. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. I do not want to do it. And then I had to do it. You know, I had to go in there. I had to go help my dad get dressed and. That was I mean, for me, it was a. It was just like I just. It was hard. That was a very, very hard thing. And. So that was everything we were dealing. You know, my mom and me were dealing with everything. Getting him dress, getting him fed, getting, you know, as I kept getting worse then the doctors and they go see this specialist. Go see that specialist. Go see. But you know what? We didn't have that many specialists. Like we went to go see one guy afterwards and he was supposed to be the specialist, like the guy that had something that would help us. And he just. He was really rude and he just kind of looked at his chart and his reporter response was like, Yeah, there's no hope here, so there's nothing more for you to do or nothing more that I can do. So thanks for wasting my time. Look, and, you know. And it was like we were just sitting there, like they told us he was going to give us some really know. We had waited so long to set this appointment. All the effort and energy to get my dad to that appointment that day. Keep him in the car, get him in the car, get him walking down the steps out of the house, helping him navigate the steps, hoping that my dad was very tall, he was slender, but he was still very tall. And I'm just the stress of getting him through the door, down the stairs, hoping he doesn't fall on me and I fall down the stairs. And if my dad falls on me, like, oh, my God, we're screwed because my mom, dad can't let me get my dad up. She's like, We'll be at the top of the stairs going, Are you okay? Okay, just stay there. I'll call somebody or just stay there. And like she wouldn't like let me call 911 or let me call your brother. We can't call your brother. We don't want to disturb him. Let me because my brother lived he was closest. He was the next closest person in town. Like I lived just 5 minutes or 10 minutes away. And he lived like, I don't know, 25 minutes away, like anything. Like I would show up at the house sometimes and they would just be loud and all sorts of nutty stuff going on in the house. And it was like, Mom, why didn't you call somebody or Why didn't you tell me? Or Why didn't you say anything? Or Why didn't you? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't want to bother you. You're working very hard or your husband's working very hard, or you have to pick up the children. It was okay. It was okay. But, Mom, Dad's on the floor. He's okay. He's okay. I'm sitting here with him. He's okay. He's okay. But what is that spill on the floor? Oh, I was. I was giving him soup for, you know, because it was lunch time and I had to get some lunch and I'm like, Oh, my God. And I would turn around and say this to my brothers and sisters like hello. This is a situation I walked in today OC. And the job, you know, like nobody asks, Well, can I'm going to come up this weekend and help out or I'm going to do. My brother did. My brother did help. But again, because of the emotional impact of him seeing his hero, he had to help it a different way, like it would overwhelm him. And I think. Right. And then my other sister just kind of was like, everything's fine, you know, don't worry about it. Everything's fine. So it almost sounds like nobody else was stepping up. So you had to. Yes. Right. And I couldn't be overwhelmed. I didn't have the luxury of going like this. It was just like we we got to deal with this. We got to deal with this. And a few times I had a call 911, I forget what happened. And but we have never like my family has never called 911 never zero zilch. You don't let anybody up into this house like this is our private sanctuary sanctum. Okay, here's this is how kind of terrified or scared of police. 911. Anyone? Ambulance, anybody coming into the house? My mom, when I was about 12 years old, 12 or 13, my mom and dad had left the house. They went to go run some kind of an errand. They had to go somewhere. And I was in charge of my younger brother and sister. Okay, we're at the house. We're all good. Everything's all fine. We lived in a house at that time that had a basement and this was in the Mid West. And I hear a noise, I hear something downstairs in the basement. Now I'm in the house by myself with my younger brother and sister. My parents have left the house. Their last words were, don't let anybody in this house. We'll be back in about an hour OC. I'm hearing a noise down there. There is something going on. And I you know, I'm like, I'm not going down there. You know, I'm not I'm not like the lady in the movies that's like, Oh, I hear some weird noise. Let me go down and check it out. Oh, no. Oh, it's like. And I could hear it and it was getting more and more and I'm like, Somebody's going to somebody or something is going to come and get us. And I couldn't this was before, you know, there's no cell phones, no texting, no paging, no nothing. Right. I was left by myself, 12 year old. I'm supposed to protect my brothers and sister, my brother and sister. I can't get a hold of my parent. I don't want the killer to come and get me. So I call the police. I was just like, well, in school and again, school tells you to, you know, this is what you're supposed to do. And I you know, the teacher said called 911, so I called 911. The police came out. They I opened the door. I let them in the house and I'm sweating. I'm sweating bullets like. You know, that's so scary. The house, they told me not to let anybody in the house, but I let them into the house. I was sweating bullets and I'm like telling them there's something down there and it's going to get us. And so they go and I right behind the police officer because now I'm like, okay, the police officer, you know, he'll do something or I can push up, just run it, you know, whatever. But it's not going to immediately hit me like it has to go through the police officer before it gets to me. Go down there. Turn on the light and we're looking. And there in the basement was a chicken. Oh, no. There was a chicken in the basement. Why is there a chicken in the basement? Well, that day, my mom and dad had gone out to the country. My dad had wanted some special soup that he had had back in Cuba, that he had had that my mom only made. She knew how to make it, and it was a fresh, whatever, blah, blah, blah. But you needed the chicken. You wanted a special chicken soup and not that chicken from the grocery store. Because he didn't trust that and didn't like that. And it was full of things that you shouldn't be putting into your body. He wanted a fresh chicken from the farm in the country. They had gone. They picked it up, they put it in the basement. And then they had this emergency that they had to go to. They forgot to tell me there was a chicken in the basement. And that's what I was hearing rattling around down there. And so as all of this is going on, the police show up and I mean, my mom and dad show up and, hey, we lived in the city. You're not allowed to have animals. Poultry anything in the city. So there's a ding, right? B I let the police officer into the house. I opened the door and I called the police. The police saw that there was this chicken down there. And so my parents show up and then I again have to. Their English was somewhat limited. My mom spoke better English than my dad, but they always defer to me. I was their translator and communicator and mediator and all of that. And so I you know, oh, my parents are here now. And they said, yes, they were just keeping the chicken for a friend and they're taking it off to the back to the farm. They just wanted us to have a chicken pet. That's what it was. My mom told him. Told me to tell him that. So now you're totally taking care of the family? Yes, I was. Everybody. Yeah, right, exactly. Exactly, exactly. And so I told them that whatever we get everything resolved with the police and the police leave. And now I'm thinking I'm going to get the beat down on my life like I am in so much trouble because I let that police officer into this house. But before I was ready for my mom to like turn around and just like go off on me. And instead she turned around, ran down the stairs, and I ran down behind her, waiting to, like, plea my case of like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't know. I didn't know, you know, like, Eddie, like, just to tell her, like, I'm sorry. I acknowledge that I messed up, right? And I see my mom fly across that basement floor. She ran, grabbed the chicken and just swung that chicken in the air. Oh, my God. Knocked it on the floor, pulled off his head. I was like. I got just like, Oh, Toledo. Oh. She just gets to plucking the chicken, draining the hair. I mean, all this is going on in the Spanish. Drama. Is drama. That is traumatic. And you're 12. Yeah, that was trauma. And so. That was that's what happened. I didn't eat chicken for a year, by the way. Oh, my. Gosh. I saw that surprise. You're not a vegetarian. Yeah, no, I was like, I didn't need any of that, but I that was when my mom, my dad, you know, and then I ran up to tell my dad what had happened. Like, after I'd come out of my shock, I ran to tell my dad, and he says. Oh, yeah. Your mom worked on the list on the farm. That's where your mom's family grew up. On the farm. That's what she does. She knows how to do that. And then he laughed like that was the the laughed like that was the we can forget about everything else. We could forget about the police because he thought that was so funny that, you know, like that was his response. And I'm just sitting here like. Anyone could hug me. Tell me it's okay.

Yes, man.

The stupid teacher keeps telling me is They just like they laugh, like, oh yeah. I mean, thank goodness I didn't get the beatdown. Thank goodness I can get yelled at, you know? But you know, I don't know.

Did you feel like when you were caregiving worried about those things? Like, Am I doing it right? Am I going to get the beat down? Nobody else is here. I have to do it absolutely.

That every single day and that always with my That is my response, my reaction, my they're going to tell me, like, charity, you didn't do it right. You didn't fill out the form right. You didn't tell them the right information you didn't like. It was always because I was always having to do that for my parents. And if and it was always like something big, like they could lose a house if I didn't fill out the paperwork. Right. The children can be taken away. If I didn't give them the right information, I could get in trouble at school. If I didn't translate things properly. It was always something. But that sounds like a lot of. Pressure was a lot of pressure. So. Yeah, but we're going to have to stop there. Yes, I got to go. I got to go. I have an appointment and I got to hit the road. Yay! Thank you for listening to being honest with your hosts, Jennifer Wang and Charity Rodriguez. Subscribe to our show wherever you listen to podcasts and if you have a suggestion, question or topic you want us to talk about, connect with us at W WW being f ing honest and until next time, we hope you're always being f ing honest.